I have not been posting much lately, mostly due to pure exhaustion from all my travels. Going home was just that ~ exhaustion. I was hit by everyone by the same questions...."You are running? Have you lost weight? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you like your church? Do you like Memphis?". I felt like I needed to write up an essay and hand it out at church.
Saying goodbye to my brother is perhaps one of the hardest and emotional things that I have had to do. I must admit that this next year will be very difficult. There are so many things that I am missing already, and it has not even been one week!
I also am having a very low tolerance of people who are not supportive or encouraging when they hear what he is doing. We all know that he is going somewhere very dangerous, but I DON'T need to be told that what he is doing is stupid or dangerous. Yeah, thanks for the encouraging words that you give me about my brother's life and the lack of consideration of what we, as a family, are going through.
I strangely feel all alone here in Tennessee with his departure. There was so much comfort knowing that he was just a few hours away and that I got to see him several times a month. I know that I am the "big" sister, but he is in so many ways my "big" brother.
Today, I said goodbye to you. You will soon be on the other side of the world, and that breaks my heart.
I will miss so much ~ our conversations on the phone that is often filled with much laugher, our love for finding hole in the wall restaurants, your hideous white and black checkerd shoes that you always seemed to wear when I visited you, how you always make me feel comfortable when we are meeting new people, your horrible sense of directions, your nack for always putting things off to the last minute and your wonderful emotions and sensitivity.
I am broken hearted and depressed that I will not see you for a year. Selfishly, I do not want you to go. I know that this is where you need to be. You have been called to a higher calling and I respect that you are following that. I am so proud of you, and your heart desires to help other people.
My love is more then I could ever express.
The girl in the other room
She knows by now
There's something in all of her fears
Now she wears it threadbare
She sits on the floor
The glass pressed tight to the wall
Maybe they're there
Maybe it's nothing at all
The girl in the other room
She powders her face
And stares heard
Into her reflection
Maybe she's there
Maybe there's nothing to see
It's just a trace of what used to be
_Diana Krall_
After prayer meeting, I found myself in Barnes and Noble. Why is it that I feel so at home surrounded by books? As I walked down the aisles, I felt like I was walking down memory lane as I noticed books that I have read and that have impacted my life. Some were read for fun and pure interest, like To Kill a Mockingbird, or some were read because a class assigned it, like The Poisionwood Bible.
I love how I can jump into the art of the novel....how the author takes us down the plot, makes the characters seem so much like us, watching a character go through pain and happiness and seeing something in them that is so real in us. It is the art of the plot that I fall in love with.
So, I picked up three new books and I hope to be able to read one of them while I am flying to and back from home.
My new books.....
Girl with a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
The 7 Habits fo Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey ~ more for work
I have reached full exhaustion -- emotionally, physically, and mentally.
In the past week alone, I have driven 1100 miles, been in four airplanes, and set foot in five states. My body, mind and well being has come to a halt. Wrapped up with everything else going on in my life, I feel like I have reached a limit.
The next few weeks are going to try me. On Thursday, I go home for the first time since I have moved three and a half months ago. Everyone is excited to see me, but I really do not want to see anyone. I just want to spend those days with my family and cherish every minute with my brother. This will be the last time I see him before he leaves for Iraq. The only contact that we will have is through email.
Selfishly, I must admit that I do not want him to be there. Yes, I know that he will be relatively safe, and I acknowledge that the Lord is leading him there. But, I still have not dealt with the emotions of saying good bye to him for a year ~ nevermind that he will be living in an unsafe part of the word.
Two days after I get home, I will be flying to New Oreans for the third time in three weeks. Our largest client there is looking to leave. I have been in front of them twice already, but the stress of thinking that 120K account per year is on the brinks of leaving is enough to drive me mad. The VP's are confident in all that I am doing, but I will not be satisfied until I have a written contract in my hand that they will stay with our company.
So, for those that have emailed/called without getting a response. I am not ignoring you; I am just trying to survive.
I remember a saying from my Covenant days, "God is good all the time; all the time God is good." My eyes are looking to heaven. AMEN!
1) Cockroaches
2) Spiders
3) Scarry Movies
4) Love
5) Saying good bye to my brother in three weeks before he leaves for Iraq.
This week, work has taken me to Jackson, Mississippi, and New Orleans, Lousiana. Not really long enough to enjoy anything; just in and out with a lot of client meetings.
Last night was horrible. My regional manager and I went to Kinko's so I could print some documents for our meetings tommorow. After being there for about 1/2 hour, we were getting ready to leave, this is when my day went down the drain.
I reached for my power cord to my laptop, after shutting it off, took it out of the power strip, when I realized that I pulled the wrong cord. The lady next to me went raging mad. "I CAN"T BELIEVE WHAT YOU JUST DID. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID? HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID? YOU JUST PUT ME IN A WORLD OF HURT."
This went on for several minutes as all of Kinko's were looking at us. I apologized refusly, but she was unwilling to accept anything. She then apologized for being irrational, then went at it again. "YOU JUST RUINED MY LIFE. I JUST ACCEPTED A JOB WITH THE GOVERNMENT AND I WAS FILLING OUT THE APPLICATION TO FINALIZE IT." Again, I feeling absolutely horrible kept apologizing as she was hurling insults at me. I picked up my things, paid for my items and left.
Morale of the story: make sure you know that you are pulling your own cord.
This is what I want to say to all the ladies in my church that are desperately trying to set me up with someone. I have only been here three months and the, "I have someone I would like you to meet" and "Can you come over to dinner to meet somene", is starting. Read that again; I have only been here three months!
Personally, I have been through too much change in my life to even consider getting to know someone. I have made a decision not to enter the dating/courting world until I have been here one year. To some of you, that may seem unreasonable. I have thought it through. I want to make sure that I am secure emotionally with who I am before I can even think of entering a realtionship. I don't want to enter a relationship and have that be my security blanket for all the feelings that someone goes through by moving to a new place.
I have also thought a lot about how the church deals with unmarried people; I hate the word single. They preach and teach that you must be content in your singleness, but then every time they talk with you, they are trying to set you up with someone. Is it just me, or does that not seem to contradict one another?
So back to my original thought, it seems that people cannot believe that there are actually unmarried people who are content being that way. Just because we do not have a spouse does not make us any more signifigant then someone who does. Don't treat us that way, and don't give us the sympathizing looks of, oh, we are sorry that you have not met anyone yet.
Contentment is a gift from the Lord and I can truely say that I am 100% where the Lord has me.
Embrace the cross where Jesus suffered,
Though it will cost all you claim as yours.
Your sacrifice will seem small beside the treasure;
Eternity can't measure what Jesus holds in store.
Embrace the love the cross requires,
Cling to the One whose heart knew every pain.
Receive from Jesus fountains of compassion.
Only He can fashion your heart to move as His.
O wondrous cross, our desires rest in you.
O Lord Jesus, make us bolder
To face with courage the shame and disgrace
You bore upon Your shoulders.
Embrace the life that comes from dying,
Come trace the steps the Savior walked for you.
An empty tomb concludes Golgotha's sorrow.
Endure, then, till tommorow your cross of suffering.